“Gather ‘round. Gather ‘round! Gather… oh, you’re already here. Okay, on with it then. You could have said something, ya know? Anyway, since the beginning of time, Man has always questioned it’s origin. Many a war has been fought over the thoughts and opinions on the matter. Be it scientific evolution or creation by a higher being, people seem to believe there is some kind of order, some kind of pattern, some kind of meaning, behind our creation. What if I were to tell you: there isn’t. We’re a huge mistake, plain and simple. The story begins like all good stories: With violence…”
—
Perfection.
The Earth, blanketed in oceans, plains, mountains, deserts. The tranquility of plants, animals at harmony with one another. The perfect paradise for the Gods to watch over. But one day, the lead God, *name withheld because it’s bloody long and hard to pronounce*, became bored with perfection. So he created “Chaos”. With a swing of his mighty… Godly appendage… probably not a hand, that’s kinda simple, don’t you think? It was probably some kind of… thing that’s beyond description. Like a tentacle made of light or… some kind of epic beard extension or… you know what, just know it was awesome in every sense of the word.
But what form did this Chaos take? Why, the form of most Chaos: It was a child. A human child. A new being to walk upon the Earth, creating and destroying, and generally mucking up the works. The Child was named “Fred”.
For years, Fred grew to learn from the animals. It learned to eat, to build shelter, to survive. But as he grew, the Chaos in his heart began to take over. He began to have urges. Naughty urges. These urges lead to questions. Questions Fred could not resist to ask.
So, he shouted to the Heavens for his Gods to come forth and answer his inquiries. Of course, he didn’t really have to shout since the Gods could hear him just find even if he simply THOUGHT about calling to them. But Fred’s human nature had developed in a way which led to him loving the sound of his own voice. Go figure.
“What is it, Child of Chaos” said *name withheld due to the fact we haven’t invented letters that can capture certain sounds in this name*, “You’re interrupting our poker game. And I swear, I am not letting the God of Cheating beat me again. Hey, wait a second…”
“That is not important, oh creator who’s name I don’t remember, for I have called upon you to answer a question. I have had urges in my days, desires I cannot describe by word alone. “
“Oh, it’s simple enough to describe: You’re horny. Don’t worry, I’d have blue balls too if I was the only person on the planet. Just stay away from the goats. They don’t like it nearly as much as you think they do.”
“Perhaps you could provide me with a means in which to release this burden?”
“Can’t you just rub one out? Ah, fine. I shall create a companion. But don’t think for a second I’m not going to find a way to punish you for wasting my time with such petty needs.”
And thus, Woman was born. Her name was “Fred” also, because the Gods were really, really terrible at naming things. “Anteater” for instance. Really? You name an animal that eats ants an anteater? Clever, really.
At first, Fred and Fred lived happily. A new feeling grew from their togetherness: Love. Of course, this had a lot to do with the fact they didn’t have children. Which brings us to the events that happened next…
“I’m late”
“…what do you mean, late? We haven’t even really invented a way to tell time yet, so it’s not like you have any means for measuring this information. Hell, what are you late FOR? We’re alone on this planet, it’s not like you have taxes due or an appointment to keep?”
“No, you idiot. I’m pregnant!”
“I… do not understand what this means?”
The Gods looked down and smirked, for this was the punishment they had intended. Pregnancy, the most awful punishment a God could give out for sexual desires. However, they had not realized that pregnancy would bring forth new humans. Eight, to be exact. That is right, Fred birthed octuplets. Shouldn’t have taken all those fertility drugs. That… the Gods had invented… at some point prior to this moment. I suppose I should have mentioned that earlier.
The children of Fred and Fred were evil. They made noise, and woke the peaceful humans from slumber. They excreted things that smelled more vile than the most dead of dead things. They even grew to have their own opinions and listen to terrible music. All in all, they were a very affective curse from the Gods. And the Gods took great pleasure in watching the humans suffer.
But something was amiss! For the children soon grew up themselves, and they too carried “The Desires of Fred”. And soon, they began having children of their own. Which of course implies some incest or something. I don’t know the exact details. But yes, they did indeed begin having children of their own.
For then on, humanity began multiplying. Growing to immense numbers, and moving outward, covering most of the planet. They even settled in Nebraska, for reasons no one has been able to figure out. Soon, the world was over-run by them. They began cutting down trees, burning fields, polluting the air, and even worse: inventing reality television. The perfection of paradise was no more. It was the mistake of the Gods for creating humans, and for cursing them with the burden of multiplying.
So now, with the paradise of Earth lying in ruin at the feet of Chaos, one must ask themselves how to put a stop to the curse of the Gods. The Desire of Fred. It is quite simple: don’t have sex. Ever. It’s a bad thing that will curse you and destroy the world. For it is…
—
“Alright, that’s about enough of that. Wow. Seriously, dad? Giving birth to children destroyed the planet and ruined everything? It was a curse from the Gods? That is how you’re going to talk me out of having sex at my age? Why not just tell me there is a boogeyman that will crawl out from under the bed and eat my face? Surely that’s just as plausible as a freakin’ story about Chaos and poker-playing higher powers?”
“But it is true! Just take a look around you, and you will see the results of Chaos and…”
“You’re ridiculous. How did I end up with such an immature parent? Maybe THIS is the curse from the Gods or whatever. Having to grow up with idiots raising me. How in the hell mom puts up with you is beyond me…”
“Come back! I have yet to tell you the story of how Fred tried to borrow his dad’s car and was texting…”
“Alright, dad. I’ll see you later… oh, and one more thing… if I have a son, I’m naming him Fred.”
